"I"

I have been wondering lately, as in the past two days, whether it would be a helpful exercise for me to try to eliminate the word "I" from all of the writing I work on until the new year (writing as in poetry and prose pieces, not this blog...) I am not foolish enough to think that I can capture a universal perspective and eliminate my "eye," but as of late I've been wondering if my writing has been limited in terms of the stance that I take in relation to my words.

There are many places I can go from here; I know that this will be a helpful exercise, even if it doesn't change the way I write in the long run because imposing limitations on creation usually leads to more focused work. Still, I feel linked to what I create, and I could probably track the ebb and flow of artistic creation with the ebb and flow of my life; for the past two years, this has been the time of the year where I become fixated on the existence and instability of the "I," and how we mold ourselves and our identities. This knowledge gives me the power to know that I can change the way I write and the way I sing, I have the power to change an outcome but I can't control what that outcome might be. If anything, this exercise will just be a challenge and help me to focus on other areas of writing besides perspective.

However, I am worried about this being a limitation that would thrust my writing into a more "traditional" and disillusioned fold that, while the words sound beautiful to me, frequently the absence of the "I" or the purposeful deletion of an initial, "it sounds good this way because I bled on the page this way," rids the work of an urgency, an intensity, a pace that creates a warm, nervous rise in the chest more like the one associated with the emotional language of music. Thinking about this brings me back to Adrienne Rich's "When We Dead Awaken: Writing as Re-Vision." Every time I read this essay I glean something different from it, but the most poignant part is when she looks into her poem "Aunt Jennifer's Tigers." While a beautiful poem, it lacks the ping of so many of Rich's other poems (like, say "How to Talk to a Man"), and if I am remembering correctly, she attributes this to stripping the poem of the "I"; stripping it of a personal perspective. The ping provided by Rich's perspective is what brings me back to her poems time and time again. Maybe it would be helpful for me to revisit this work...I think I will look for it on my bookshelf...

Anyway, back to considering the ebb and flow of my artistic life...I find that similar issues in my writing and in my singing voice arise at the same time. I have worked hard to get rid of a "belly vibrato" that creeps in in my middle voice when my instrument is collapsed either due to an ill-fitting bra or just poor posture. It also creeps in when in some way I am holding back. Right now, "holding back" may be synonymous with "holding on"; if I think I have control over the volume of my voice, or certain elements of my written voice, it's less scary that I broke up with my girlfriend, or that people in my family are dying. I can't imagine holding on for too much longer. The last major "renaissance" in my life occurred in my senior year of high school around the same time of year, when I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. I held on to so many little things for about a month, and then I just opened up and I having the time of my life writing and driving and creating art just for the sake of art. I don't expect this experience, four-years more mature, to be identical to this, but I have reason to hope that I will open up and just write and sing through my doubts and inhibitions and to work past this rut into a full rebirth.

So maybe I will try this challenge, because if I have a challenge, it forces me to write more poetry than I have for the past month (I've only really worked on 2-3 poems...). If it causes me to open up and pour more from my "I" and create something musical and exquisite, I won't be bummed that the experiment "failed," because it wouldn't really be a failure...

I wish I felt comfortable posting poetry in here, but there is so much ambiguity surrounding what counts as being published and what counts as copyrighted that I'm afraid to share in this public of a forum. I do know of many poets that do post to their blogs, so I might ask them about their feelings on it and go from there.

Today, I hope to: re-read Adrienne Rich's "When We Dead Awaken: Writing for Re-Vision," print off Gipson elements to put in my Gipson binder, record myself singing and work though some technical challenges, work on the expansion of my Philadelphia essay, and get at least three different version of my statement of purpose modified. I think these are realistic goals to accomplish before tomorrow's plan post for my week in Pennsylvania.